If I Can't Be Yours - And I Shall Not Be
by Ami Ikari
Summary: Yui Ikari reflections during her synchro test with the EVA-01... the one that caused her death.


If I Can't Be Yours - And I Shall Not Be  
-------------------------------------

*Initial notes* This fanfic was written upon my own personal ideas about what really happened in the accident with the EVA-01 that ended up with Yui Ikari's death in NGE. There are a lot of theories in the web that try to explain what happened. Since what happened after the accident wasn't clear at the series, the basic procedures to save Yui were based upon what Ritsuko did to bring Shinji Ikari back to life when he disappeared in the Entry Plug.

***  
"I want my son to see the future that we are making for him."

Those were the last word I said before I was called to my synchro test with the Evangelion Unit 01, when I picked my son on my arms and promised that soon we would be going home. The last thing I saw before going into the Entry Plug were my husband's last soft and hopeful look and Shinji's small hands waving me 'goodbye'.

_Now its time, I fear to tell  
I've been holding it back so long  
But something strange deep inside of me is happening  
I feel unlike I've ever felt  
And it's making me scared  
That I may not be what  
I think I am._

"Chief Ikari, everything is OK for the beginning of the test."

"Yui, are you ready?", I heard my husband ask through the audio system of the Entry Plug.

"I am, Gendou."

"So let's begin. Insert L.C.L.. Begin the synchro test."

With the Entry Plug full of L.C.L., I would be able to unite myself with the unit 01. My moves would be the same as its moves, the pain it felt would be the same I would feel. The success of that synchro test would mean another step towards the conclusion of the Project E and another proof that my son would be safe when the time for him to use the unit 01 finally came. He would be one of the children destinated to pilot an Evangelion unit and save humanity from the Angels...

... save humanity from the Angels... but who would save HIM? Who would be able to protect MY child when he were in danger, into a souless giant?

With no soul... but alive. An Evangelion unit never would be more than an organic doll, alive, but with no soul, no spirit, no mind... Its soul would be his pilot, his pilot would be its spirit. I had given birth to a child that would be prepared to pilot the same unit that now carried me in. When the time came, Shinji would be fourteen years old.

That was too early for him. They would need to train him from now on so that, when the time come, he would have the maturity and knowledge that a human being need to be in charge of a giant as an EVA. He would begin to suffer too early.

_What of us, what do I say  
Are we both from a different world  
'Cause every breath that I take,   
I breathe it for you   
I couldn't face my life without you   
And I'm so afraid  
There's nothing to comfort us  
What am I, if I can't be yours._

"Synchro rate, 250% and increasing quickly, chief Ikari!"

"What?! What's happening?! Yui! Please, answer! Yui! Yui!!"

"Fuyutsuki-sensei, please take Shinji to the other room. Take him away from here."

"It's the best thing to do, Akagi-san. Come, Shinji."

"Mama?"

My Shinji... my innocent child... I would never let them put your life in risk to save humanity. I became a scientist, but, before that, I was a woman... a wife... a MOTHER.

_I don't sleep, don't feel a thing  
And my senses have all but gone  
Can't even cry from the pain, can't shed a tear  
now I realize  
We're not the same and it's making me sad  
'Cause we can't fulfill  
our dreams (in the life)._

Suddently, a terrible pain fulfilled my mind, as if something was trying to dominate it, taking me out from the reflexive state that I was into. I looked at the Entry Plug's screens and I saw when Fuyutsuki-sensei took my son out of that room, I saw panic on my husband's eyes... I heard his screams, his orders...

***  
"Synchro rate 400% and increasing more and more."

"Cut neural connection between the unit and the pilot!", ordered Dr. Naoko Akagi, seconds before the desperate order said by the man I loved.

"Synchro rate 550%! The unit is rejecting the command... it doesn't want to separate from the pilot!"

But it was too late, darling.

"EJECT ENTRY PLUG!"

Too late, my dear Gendou. Please forgive me...

"Yui!!"

... forgive the desperate act of a mother.

***  
"Open the Entry Plug with the emergency door!"

"She... disappeared! There's only L.C.L. and the plug-suit in the Entry Plug!"

"Connect the electrodes in the plug-suit! Begin emergency procedures! The priority now is her life!"

"Electrodes connected!"

"Chief Ikari, GET AWAY FROM THE ENTRY PLUG!"

"L.C.L. temperature, 37ºC. EEG with beta waves, steady with pattern 0, -3, ego-border pulse connected."

"We still have a chance to have her back... iniciate recover process."

"Unit 01 recieving commands."

"Keep the actual conditions, try to keep the system stable."

"System in critic state, 0.5, 0.8... we're..."

_So I must, let us break free  
I can never be what you need  
If there was a way, through the hurt  
Then I would find it  
I'd take the blows  
Yes I would fight it  
But this is the one  
Impossible dream to love  
What am I, if I can't be yours._

"No..."

"Chief Ikari, we're sorry, but..."

"... no..."

"... we failed."

"NO!!!"

"Mama?"

"YUI!"

***  
"Where were you during all this week? I know you're depressed, but your body doesn't belong only to you."

"I know that. I'm beginning a new project today."

"Good morning, chief. You brought your child along? Wasn't it a boy...?"

"This isn't Shinji. I've decided to take care of the daughter of a friend of mine. Her name is Rei Ayanami."

"Hello, Rei-chan."

***  
When a mother gives birth to a child, she swear to dedicate her life for the safety of the one who came from her body.

Take care of our son, Gendou, and... please forgive me...

... because I'm not dead. I'm just in a place where I will be able to protect Shinji at the right moment. Until then, I'll be always near you...

... even if you're not able to see me.

English version finished in March 23, 2002.  
Translated from the Portuguese version of October 26, 2000.  
The verses on the story are the English translation of "Thanatos, If I Can't Be Yours", from the movie The End of Evangelion, available at AnimeLyrics.com.


End file.
